The hospital bed was hard, cold and impersonal. As I lay there wondering why all the familiar faces kept appearing above me I longed for my bed at home. I wanted to feel the comfort of my blankets holding me safe inside their thick warmth. Time seemed to be warped because one minute my son is standing in front of me crying and then my niece Daelle is imploring me "Aunt Sherry, please don't die!" with tears streaming from frightened sad eyes that stood out from her ghostly pale countenance.
All I could muster in broken speech were the words "I'm not dying!" but somehow the words were inaudible or people were just not listening to me. I wanted to scream out loud but my strength was gone. It seemed as though this hospital bed held chains that bound me there on that cold, impersonal slab. The parade of onlookers continued to speak to me with words and tears. I must be at someone's funeral, I mused to myself. Maybe it's mine and this is what it's like to be dead. But I can't be dead, I told myself because I feel my body. So why are they all crying over me?, I asked myself.
Without meaning to I surrendered to the sadness in the room and let my body drift into a place that observed from outside. I wanted to leave this gloomy place so I slipped into the warm light again to find comfort and solace. The tortured faces disappeared and I was again held in the loving arms of beings filled with light who serenaded me with music emanating through me. "If only I could stay here", I thought, "everything will be all right".
Suddenly I realized that I was in another place and not at home on earth any more. But how did I get here?, I wondered.
The light grew brighter as the voices sang messages of love that embraced deep into my spirit while they carried me on a weightless wind that glowed with lights. Time and motion intertwined into one beautiful moment that ended abruptly as I neared the bright light above me. A voice, rich and authoritative yet filled with deep love, called out my name. All at once every one and every thing stood still. I shuddered deep inside my being yet longed to embrace this personage of light. The being was so familiar to me that I wanted to run and embrace Him but something held me back. I knew it was the voice of God. He asked me why I was here and why I came back.
I was puzzled by the question. It seemed strange to me that God would ask me such a question. In my thoughts, I mused that He already knows the answer to that question and I added "who would want to leave here?" Out of respect, a feeling deep inside compelled me to answer. My voice was still gone so no sound came from my mouth, strangely enough. Yet before I finished the thought I heard my words echo all around me as the heavenly angelic audience nodded in acknowledgement the truth of my thoughts. It stunned me into a poetic wonder.
"How beautiful", I thought. No words are needed in heaven, if that's where I am. Thoughts are everywhere and absorbed by everything. There are no secrets in this place of spirits because every thought is heard by everyone. Wow! I was amazed and even more bewildered. Then I wondered if I was dead. I mean, really dead. There was no feeling, no regret for leaving my body. I only felt total surrender to the peace and joy that I felt as the love embraced me from everywhere. This must be heaven, I told myself until the voice demanded an answer from me yet again.
The voice echoed the same question over and over as I drifted beyond consciousness grasping for understanding. How did I get here and how in the world would I get back? I had no answers. Just the echo drumming in my ears as the gush of air filled my lungs with a burning that set me up in bed with a jerk. I gasped and pulled at the tubes trying to understand why the hands were holding me down. I felt really dizzy because I was sucked back into my body so fast it was like hitting a dip on a giant roller coaster and forgetting to come back up on the next rise.
Still spinning I pulled at the tubes in my nose and throat that burned with a fire beyond description. It felt like I was being tortured. They poked at me and prodded then I felt the sting on my sides that tingled up into my throat and down my legs. What on earth were they trying to do!? I wondered. I gained my senses enough to look around as I heard the voices say "Do we hit her again?" then I realized they were using electro shock to start my heart. I did not want them to do it again.
The dizziness wouldn't stop. My vertigo made the whole room spin as their voices wavered in and out and my vision blurred as I tried to make out the faces to go with the voices. I felt like I was on the worst drunk in my life and became suddenly nauseated. I heaved to no avail. Nothing came up or out but the bed finally stopped moving. I was back in the cold stark hospital room that smelled of chemicals and starch on uniforms. I wanted to get out of here but to where?, I wondered.
What happened to the voice who kept asking me the question? I didn't get a chance to answer Him, or did I? After all, I was back in my body so I guess my answer must have been "yes". But I wasn't satisfied with my visit to the other side of the veil. I had so many questions and I wanted answers. I knew the only way to understand why I went there and why I was supposed to come back to my body would be to leave just one more time. Whether I left consciously of my own free will or whether I was summoned by a power beyond myself, I cannot say. The fact remains that I went back to that place looking for the voice of God so I could ask Him some questions before I could answer the one He asked of me.
Was it all a wild dream or some prophetic vision?, my mind wildly raced for understanding.
The oxygen smelled like the ether I remember the dentist using on me as a little girl and the drugs in my IV brought back the memory of spinning while some giant chased me in a bulls eye circle with a huge pair of pliers. I had to get away from the smells and the burning of the oxygen and needles, the echoes of voices and the sound of water rushing into my ears. I dove deep under water and surfaced once again on the other side. Everything became extremely quiet and still, until the voice called my name again. I felt almost like a naughty child who did something they knew was wrong but hoped I wouldn't get caught. I crossed the veil to seek the face of God. I had to go. It was the only way I would find out for sure if it was all real or just some wild dream.
written by Cheryl Lynn Gardner, a/k/a The Midnight Writer
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